Some words of wisdom

Trying to find my way again…feeling like I need all the help I can get. Sometimes listening to others give us strength to find desire again…desire to live, to grow, a desire for anything really that could be positive. It’s a scary feeling when you suddenly don’t want or care about anything…
Tony is brilliant, so much of what he says makes total sense. His drive and his passion are contagious!

10 Facts about me

I was watching a video by a Russian blogger on youtube, there are several girls that I really admire and I check out their newest videos once in a while. 

One of them was a video where a blogger tells 10 facts about herself. It was really hilarious, something that I would not at all expect to read, like one of the facts about her was the fact that she liked to air out cabinets and drawers. Ha ha, I am not kidding, she said she opens all the drawers all the time and leaves the apartment, to “air them out” even through she realizes it’s completely not necessary, she kind of laughs at herself for doing it, lol. Especially when she was living with her sister and mom, it was driving them crazy.

But it got me thinking, have you ever wrote 10 facts about yourself? I haven’t. Until today. It was kind of weird at first, but also fun! Sometimes it’s good to look at yourself as if you’re an observer, perhaps it can offer a different perspective. In either case, whether taken seriously or not, it’s kind of interesting to do just for fun.

Here goes mine:

10 Facts about me

1)      I am 1/3 Estonian and 2/3 Russian. Although, I’ve completely forgotten Estonian language and only speak Russian and English now.

2)      I’ve been stateless for 22 years.

3)      I have big dreams! I value the fact of how far I’ve come from where I started. I believe my dreams will be realized!

4)      I am an artist and a photographer. More than anything I want to be able to record my life experiences through my paintings, with hope and transformation being a huge focus point.

5)      I love water! I feel that I physically need to be around water, it helps to balance me and gives me joy. I also really enjoy swimming and just floating, I call them my water meditations.

6)      I love Spring and Summer. Because I feel so differently when I can be outdoors a lot, plus I love to be warm. I really gravitate towards nature, I could see myself living somewhere in a natural setting.

7)      I earn to travel! I really see myself traveling around the world, living in various places, photographing and recording my journey. I like discovering new places and have a lot of respect for and interest in different cultures.

8)      I love colors, many different colors. I really gravitate towards blues and purples, especially indigo. I feel like there may be some of that color in my aura. I’ve always been fascinated with that subject and would like to learn how to see auras one day.

9)       I believe in respecting all living things, I admire Native Americans and their philosophy of being in balance with nature, animals and the world around us.

10)   I enjoy creating things. For me, it’s such a gratifying feeling to make something with your hands, whether it’s cooking, painting, photographing, making jewelry or something else creative. I feel really satisfied and rewarded when I create something new.

Tiny changes mean huge results

I love listening to him! I think he could convince an Eskimo to buy ice, ha ha 🙂

Going to put his incantations to the test! So, yeah, I’ll be yelling in my car a lot from now on, hey, whatever it takes. Just listening to strong, successful people makes you feel the same, ever wondered how that works?

Take the 1st step

Practical steps to a positive change

Hypnotic Rhytm

Results are created by the momentum. Great video that really helps to put things into perspective.

Got to create a positive momentum!

Should you stay or should you go…

Should you leave him? 20 signs it’s time to walk away

 Sound familiar? Here are 20 signs it could be time to walk away…

1. He doesn’t care about you
Of course he cares about me, you cry, we’ve been living together/married for years! While a grand gesture (or even a bunch of flowers from the garage) on your birthday is welcome, a relationship means caring for one another day in, day out.

You have a migraine and he doesn’t offer you a pain killer. You tell him your sister might have breast cancer and he barely looks up from the TV – let alone drives you to the hospital. He knows you are upset, or in physical pain, and yet does nothing to help… that’s someone who doesn’t care.

2. His annoying habits drive you mad
He leaves his socks on the floor, turns the thermostat down when it’s already freezing and puts empty jars back in the fridge – but is that a good enough reason to leave him? Of course not!

We all have our annoying ways, but if his habits leave you seething with rage it’s time to look at what’s really going on. Are you simmering with resentment about some past hurt but too scared to bring it up?

When we squash our feelings, it can result in displacement – and the little things suddenly become HUGE. Another sign it could be time to walk away.

3. Your friends and family hate him
Your nearest and dearest were pleasant enough at the start, but now just being in the same room as him brings them out in a twitch. There will always be some people who don’t get on, but if the majority of your loved ones can’t stand your man, you have to ask why.

Perhaps they see him more objectively than you do – and in particular, how he treats you. While you may be able to overlook his ways, or have forgiven him for hurting you in the past, there’s a good chance they can’t.

Ask them – it might put things in perspective.

4. You no longer talk about the future
When you first got together you spent hours dreaming of the house you would buy, the holidays you would go on, perhaps even the children you would have together. Now it seems he won’t even commit to a dinner date next week.

If your man no longer makes plans for the future (or if his plans no longer include you), it’s a clear sign he’s distancing himself from the relationship.

Don’t organise another thing (especially not an expensive holiday or a mortgage), until you’ve had a heart-to-heart to find out what’s really going on.

5. You’re his life raft
Relationships are all about give and take and there will be times when you need his support, and times when he will need yours. A problem arises when one of you is acting as the other’s permanent life raft.

If you find yourself saying, “I couldn’t possibly leave… what would he do without me?”, you need to consider whether you’re really helping by staying.

Sometimes playing the saviour becomes part of our identity. We need it – as much as they do. Focus on getting him help (counselling, medication, a job, debt management), so that he can get back on his feet – otherwise you both risk going under.

6. He’s aggressive or abusive
No one should have to put up with physical or emotional abuse from their partner (whether a man or a woman). A boyfriend or husband should add to your feelings of safety and security, not detract from them.

Yet one in four women will suffer domestic violence at some point in their lives.

There are many organisations and support groups offering emotional and practical advice, no matter how complicated your situation is. Refuge or Women’s Aid is a good place to start. Do something before it’s too late.

7. You keep secrets from him
There was a time you told him everything – including things you’ve never told anyone else. If you got a promotion at work (or were told you were being made redundant), he was the first person you called. These days, you’re more likely to confide in the dog.

If you find yourself keeping secrets or no longer confiding in him, it’s time to ask yourself why. Do you no longer trust him enough? Do you feel he doesn’t really listen – or worse, doesn’t care?

If you find yourself confiding in another man it’s an ever bigger warning sign.

8. He keeps secrets from you
Of course, there are some things we keep to ourselves and others we prefer to share with a trusted friend outside of the relationship. If, however he’s only recently started to keep things from you it could signal a problem.

He’s looking for a new job/has been diagnosed with a medical condition/has won the lottery… and you’re suddenly the last to know. That’s a sign you need to sit down and talk. If he’s been keeping a bigger secret from you – like the fact he’s been sleeping with his PA – that’s a sign to let your feet do the talking.

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9. He’s a lazy sod

Laziness takes many forms. There’s the couch potato who expects you to cook and clean (after all, mummy did). Then there’s the backseat man.

How nice to have an easy going man who lets you choose where to go on holiday, what to have for dinner, where to live! But is he just easy going or lazy?

Having to make all the decisions (whether you’re a man or a woman), can become a burden – and it’s only reasonable to want some input from the significant other in your life. Ask him to do the shopping – without giving him a list – and make some of the decisions. If he can’t, it could be time to leave your backseat man by the curb.

10. He’s a jealous guy
Who hasn’t suffered from the green-eyed monster at one time or another? Some would even argue that jealousy is a good sign – after all, it shows that he still cares.

But if you find him going through your mobile phone, hacking into your emails or chaperoning you on a girls’ night out there is something seriously wrong.

You will have to make a judgment call. Either address why there is a lack of trust in the relationship – and acknowledge any part you played in that – or accept that he has a (potentially dangerous) problem and get out now.

11. He borrows money from you (and doesn’t pay it back)
Couples argue about money (followed by housework) more than any other issue, if relationship surveys are to be believed.

While it’s fine to borrow and lend money occasionally no one wants to feel like their partner’s personal ATM.

If he frequently borrows money but the re-payments aren’t so regular, it’s time to lay down the law. Have an honest chat about your finances and seek debt advice if necessary. If the problem doesn’t improve you may have to re-evaluate the relationship. Don’t be taken for a (free) ride.

12. He flirts with other women
We all want the man in our life to get on with our friends – but not THAT well. When his flirting makes you feel uncomfortable, it’s time to have a word. It’s possible that he hasn’t realised and just thinks that he’s being friendly. Of course, you also need to consider whether jealousy is clouding your judgment.

If he continues to flirt with your friends (or other women), you have to question why. Is he insecure, does he like playing mind games, or is he looking for a way out of the relationship? Whatever his reasons, you deserve his full attention. Don’t be second best.

13. You’re dating the Invisible Man
Feel like you’re in long distance relationship, yet he only lives across town? If you’ve been dating for a few months and his movements are still a mystery to you, something clearly isn’t right.

A change in communication is a typical early warning signal of something wrong. If he used to text you every day but now you’re lucky to get a reply, he’s obviously got a different priority right now.

If he explains, and you accept his reason, all good and well. If that different priority is a 25-year-old barmaid down the local, leave with your dignity intact.

14. He’s a love cheat
Yes, it is possible (with a lot of hard work and counselling) for a relationship to bounce back stronger than ever when one of you has had an affair. If you’ve caught him cheating and you’re able to forgive and forget, you’re a bigger woman than most.

If he does it again and you take him back you’re asking for trouble. He may swear it will never happen again, but you believed him the first time and look what happened. No trust = no relationship. If you can’t trust him, what’s the point?

If you’re the one who’s tempted to cheat, do the honest thing and leave before you cause more hurt than is necessary.

15. You’re deeply unhappy
You can’t expect your man to make everything right in your life. Nor can you expect every day of a relationship (no matter how strong) to be filled with flowers and rainbows. What you can expect is for there to be love on both sides and more good days than bad.

If you think you may be depressed, speak to your doctor, as that could be having an impact on an otherwise good relationship.

One quick test: imagine yourself single or with someone new. If the thought makes you feel happier than you have done in weeks, it’s time to go.

16. He has an addiction
It could be alcohol, drugs, gambling or pornography. If your man has an addiction it’s unlikely that staying with him is going to help.

By all means get him some professional support (if he’s willing to accept it), but don’t wait around in the vain hope that he will change.

Most addicts face a long hard road to recovery. If you love him, of course you’ll want to help – just accept that it might involve leaving him. Look for a support group for his addiction (there will be lots online). Speaking to others who have lived with an addict can help.

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17. You don’t have sex
Libidos change as we get older, but if you’ve become more like brother and sister, why not give each other the chance of meeting someone new? Even if you’re happy with no sex, is he? Unless you’ve talked openly and honestly about it, you won’t know.

Of course there’s more to a relationship than sex, but if one or both of you still have natural urges, isn’t it better for you to have a full-filing relationship with someone else?

If you really are as close as you think you are, your friendship will survive it.

18. He’s not on your side
You have to know that your partner is on your side – even when you’re wrong. Yes, we should all be big enough to give and take criticism, but being in a relationship means being part of the same team.

If he constantly puts you down or undermines you, sides with friends and family against you (or any random drunk down the pub), it’s time to take a closer look at what you’ve got – and whether it’s worth having.

19. He’s an energy vampire
It’s one thing to go through a bad patch and it’s another entirely to be negative about every aspect of life. Do you really want to be with someone so mean-spirited?

Unfortunately, it’s easy to make excuses for this kind of behaviour – he had a negative mother, he’s had a run of bad luck.

If he regularly shoots down your dreams, ambitions and achievements, let alone your plans for the weekend, you risk your self esteem hitting rock bottom. Make your escape plans now – while you still have the energy!

20. He’s selfish
He never puts your needs first – and that includes in the bedroom. If you both know his top priority is himself you have to ask why you are still in the relationship.

Selfishness is one of the hardest character traits to change or fix. First of all, he would have to want to change – and why would he, after all, you’ve stuck around this far!

Do yourself a favour and find someone who can give you the things you deserve. Relationships are about give and take – not you giving and him taking. Find someone who’s willing to put in their 50%. 

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Knowing When to Walk Away

Knowing When to Walk Away from Unrequited Love

“Love does not obey our expectations; it obeys our intentions.” ~Lloyd Strom

To say that love hasn’t obeyed my expectations would be the understatement of the century.

I have not been lucky in love. I’ve been blessed with some amazing moments over the years, but somehow have managed to choose partners who did not want what I wanted, did not feel what I felt, and did not want to walk beside me into a future together.

I have really had to sit with this and try and figure out what part of this was my doing, and how to change it, because this year I once again chose a partner who was not walking with me. Except this time not only was he not walking with me but he was subtly trying to kick my feet from under me every chance he got.

I once again entered into a relationship desperate to find love and instead found a beautiful disaster. Love is a blessing, this we know. Unrequited love is toxic, and it can eat you alive.

Falling in love can be a slippery sloperegardless of any protective barriers we may have built. It can ease in like a light a mist that settles itself beautifully over your life, or it can blindside you.

Often we fall in love with a person before we have fully gotten to know them. By this point it’s too late—you’ve already stretched your heart for someone capable of bruising it. This is what love requires: utmost vulnerability and trust. Hopes and expectations rise along with the awareness that it can slip away.

I suggest we do our best to live in the moment. Love is elastic. It stretches and retracts and changes shape constantly. It is very uncertain. One day you are over the moon and the next disillusioned.

The elastic can break. You can re-tie it, but there is now a knot. Suddenly that perfect perception of the other person is a little bit tainted. Something rocked the pedestal. Sometimes we can recover from this, sometimes we can’t. 

Loyalty and commitment teach us that we are not to walk away from people that we love. Buddhism teaches us to love without expectation. There are a lot of belief systems about love and I question them often. If your love is shared and you are both happy I assume you wouldn’t have to question love at all.

But if your relationship, be it friendship or romantic love, is unbalanced and one person is hurting, how much is enough? How many pieces are supposed to break and how damaged can we allow ourselves to get before we throw these belief systems out the window and accept that this type of love isn’t healthy?

How do we do what is best for ourselves without damaging the heart and mind of someone else in the process?

Love and relationships require work and responsibility. We have to learn when to stretch and when to break.

For those of you who have been blessed to find a romantic love that is equally shared, I truly admire this and I have set the intention to find it one day. I think it all starts with being aware, open, and ready.

For a long time I didn’t believe I would find love so I subconsciously chose partners who I knew would be a challenge. I am no longer interested in this challenge. I told myself when my last relationship failed that I would never put myself in a situation where I didn’t know where I stood in someone’s life again; where I felt unsteady and unloved.

Unfortunately I did it again this year and I can promise you that it was the last time. I now know what I would like my relationship with my future partner to feel like, and that is the first step towards being open to receiving this gift. Love is a gift.

I have been tested often this year and with this came the opportunity to learn lessons. I have lived my life openly. I have experienced love and trusted the process. I fell in love, watched it grow, watched it change, and watched it fall apart.

I felt the pain, and still continue to recover from it. My heart is healing and that is a slow process, but it was necessary to hurt to have learned what I learned. For this I am grateful. I’m also grateful to my friends and family who helped me to pick up the pieces when I didn’t have the energy to do it alone.

8 things I have learned about relationships so far:

1. If there is a feeling better than love, I have not felt it. Take the risk and dive in with everything you have.

2. Enjoy the good times together as they are happening and be grateful for them.

3. Stay out of the future and in the moment. Now is certain.

4. Protect both your heart and your partner’s, whether the love is still there or not. We are human and we deserve kindness. We don’t need to add to the burdens we already carry by hurting others. Trust me, it doesn’t make thing better.

5. If your relationship starts to crumble, know when to put it down and let it be. Don’t grind it into dust.

6. You cannot continue to give to another person when you are not at your best; when you are so broken, so beaten down that you have no energy left. When talking has failed and words no longer have meaning, this is when you know it is over. When you feel like this, you have to do what is best for the relationship and for each other and wave the white flag to avoid further damage.

7. Some things just won’t work, no matter how badly we wish they would. Sometimes the match that felt so right just isn’t. Please don’t do more damage to your heart by trying to fix something that has past its expiration date. It will leave you raw.

8. It is okay to walk away from something that hurts you. It doesn’t require blame or justification. It just requires you to stop fanning the flames. You will find love again, and next time it will feel better.

Life isn’t easy. Some things build us up and some tear us down. Our hearts expand and break and rebuild—repeatedly. We are constantly learning and changing and growing. If in love you find yourself in a sticky situation like I was, please stop picking at scabs.

Nothing good has ever come from this. Stop the cycle, and let your heart heal so you can find pure love. Surround yourself with loving relationships. Something beautiful is out there waiting for you. If you feel it on the inside, you’ll find it out there.

WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

About Domestic Violence

WHAT IS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE?

A pattern of abusive behavior in an intimate or romantic relationship where one person chooses to control the relationship through the use of force, intimidation or fear.

The abusive behavior can be physical, verbal, emotional or sexual. Sometimes it’s subtle, and sometimes it’s extreme. Without help, the abusive behavior usually gets worse.

Domestic violence can happen to adults and it can also happen to teenagers. Both males and females can be perpetrators or targets of abuse. It can happen in either straight or same-sex relationships.

There is nothing that you can do or say to deserve being abused. The abuse is never your fault. Everyone has the right to a safe and healthy relationship.

In order to protect yourself, you should know the warnings signs of an abusive relationship.

WHAT ARE THE WARNING SIGNS?

  • extreme jealousy or insecurity
  • constant put-downs
  • possessiveness or treating you like property
  • telling you what to do
  • constantly checking in on you
  • explosive temper
  • making false accusations
  • isolating you from your friends and family
  • preventing you from doing things you want to do

Domestic violence isn’t just an argument every once in a while.  Domestic violence describes an ongoing pattern of abusive behavior when one person chooses to control the relationship through force, fear, pressure or intimidation.

That romantic relationship can be between two people who are married, divorced, living together, dating, with kids, without kids. It can be between teenagers, young people, adults, the elderly, between a man and woman, two women, two men, two people from any race, culture, nationality, religion, and from any neighborhood, economic status or educational level…  Domestic violence can affect anyone.

The abusive behavior can be physical, verbal/emotional or sexual.

It is important to understand that people commit domestic violence because they choose to do so, not because they can’t stop themselves. Abusing someone is a CHOICE.

Signs of Toxic Relationship

5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

“Trust your own instinct. Your mistakes might as well be your own, instead of someone else’s.” ~Billy Wilder

I’ve had my share of toxic relationships, or at least what I thought was toxic. Is it fair to say you have too? My guess is that we’ve all endured the company of people who were not shooting for our highest good.

As for me, the relationships that were the most debilitating and unhealthy gave me the feeling that I wasn’t taking care of myself spiritually, mentally, or physically like I should.

I was feeling less than myself, like I was compromising my life goals with each second I stayed around those people. Mind you, these were both friendships and romantic relationships.

I call these relationships toxic because my authentic self withered away into someone I didn’t recognize—denying all that was natural for me.

The label “toxic” means something that drains life and energy. Before I knew it, I was weak and feeble, subject to the whim of the person to whom I’d given my power.

I was guilty of it: hanging around those people too long in an effort to do what was supposedly right by societal standards—fighting to stay in a relationship instead of giving up “too soon.”

Little did I know that my desire to be agreeable and accepted was suffocating what was right for me.

Why did I have to sacrifice my happiness for what society says was right? I was living stifled in self-judgment and fear, and I’m sure society couldn’t have cared less!

While some difficult relationships can open our eyes to new perspectives and expand our awareness, some obviously shut us in and hinder our development. Our intuition will alert us one way or the other. It tells us, change and growth should feel good!

It’s important to know when you’re in a toxic relationship so you can choose something better for yourself.

When I was in my toxic relationships, I ignored my intuition in favor of my logical mind, which told me that losing that person was worse than having him/her around.

But our intuition knows best; unlike our mind, its only motive is our happiness.

5 Signs You’re in a Toxic Relationship

“Toxic” doesn’t only entail obvious damage like physical abuse, stealing, or name-calling. It also represents all the internal turmoil that results from an unhealthy relationship. I’d like to share how I learned to recognize when I was in a relationship that was not suitable for me.

These are 5 signs that you are in a toxic relationship:

1. It seems like you can’t do anything right.

The other person constantly puts you down as not good enough. They mock your personality, and you feel ashamed most of the time. You only feel pardoned when you take on the traits of the person doing the condemning or judging.

2. Everything is about them and never about you. 

You have feelings, too, but the other person won’t hear them. You’re unable to have a two-sided conversation where your opinion is heard, considered and respected. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they battle with you until they get the last word.

3.  You find yourself unable to enjoy good moments with this person.

Every day brings another challenge. It seems as though they are always raising gripes about you. Their attempt to control your behavior is an attempt to control your happiness.

4. You’re uncomfortable being yourself around that person.

You don’t feel free to speak your mind. You have to put on a different face just to be accepted by that person. You realize you don’t even recognize yourself anymore, and neither do your closest friends and family.

5. You’re not allowed to grow and change.

Whenever you aim to grow and improve yourself, the other person responds with mockery and disbelief. There is no encouragement or support for your efforts. Instead, they keep you stuck in old judgments insisting that you will never be any different than you are now.

If you’re experiencing even just one of these signs, check in with yourself to see if the relationship is doing more damage than good. Evaluate the relationship and what it’s worth to you.

Embrace the answers that come from your intuition, as it wants the best for you—and this relationship might not be it.

Take deliberate action according to your gut feeling. You won’t be sorry.

Maybe you choose to talk about your feelings with the other person, or you decide to put more space between the two of you.

It’s important that if you’re feeling uncomfortable or unsettled in the relationship that you not wait around until the effects of the misery settle into depression. Taking any action is the best medicine.

Now it’s your turn: Without giving names, do you find yourself in a toxic relationship? Have you left a toxic relationship and want to share how that decision has changed your life? Or are you afraid to leave a toxic relationship because you fear the repercussions? Leave a comment and share your experience.

An added note: If you’re in a physically abusive relationship, get help today. Don’t wait.

Steps to get out of a rut.

When you’re in a rut, it can be a very confusing and lonely place. You feel as if you’re not in control of any situation in your life, much less your body. It’s a strange feeling that just lingers and doesn’t seem to go away with time. You feel lethargic and that you’re just trying to make it through another day. You realize that this isn’t healthy or normal, but somehow you aren’t able to snap out of it, because you no longer care. But in the back of your mind, you do want change, even if you’re not sure how to bring about that change.

I think the 1st step is to recognize it and allow yourself some time to process the events that led you here.
Once you’ve come to the point of acceptance, you realize that eventually this feeling will fade and you’ll once again feel like yourself again. Maybe even a better version of yourself, having gone through a certain difficult experience often times makes us stronger.

There are steps that you can take to lead you there.

This is a great video that brings up some important and often overlooked points.

Getting out of the rut.

1) Stop talking about it! Chose where your attention goes. If you already talked about the situation with your friends, family and/or counselor – put it to rest. If not, talk about it and then put it to rest.
2) Express yourself. Do something that you enjoy. Focus on something that makes you happy and a blessing to other people.
3) Give yourself good nutrition. Take care of yourself! Start giving yourself love, by nurturing yourself. Start eating clean, even if you don’t feel like it, drink lots of water.