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Choose ♥ LOVE ♥

Sometimes people will say something and it astounds you, because of the realization of how much something in you changed, yet you’re able to relate because you felt that not too long ago.

At some point in our lives, I think we all heard expressions that urge us to say what we mean and mean what we say.

But how consciously do we really choose our words in our day to day interactions?

Or are we mostly operating on the auto-pilot, like so many things – driving to work and barely remembering how we got there, sort of in a gaze, we say familiar phrases whether they really reflect how we feel or not.  In US we’re big on the small talk, chatter, chatter, chatter, anything to fill the space sometimes with unnecessary fluff, as if it’s somehow unacceptable to have any silence whatsoever, anything to make things “comfortable”.  Often times I find this overbearing and uncomfortable.

Today, I want to discuss the word hate.

In the dictionary it is described as an intense or passionate dislike. But if it’s a dislike, why just not say “I don’t like it”. I think it’s more than that. More than people realize. When you say that you hate something, you’re putting out an aggressive energy. You can dislike something, but be indifferent about it, that way you’re not wasting your energy or promoting a feeling of aggression within yourself.

There is already enough of that in the world.

I just wanted to touch on this subject, because I don’t think many people are saying it with a full awareness, not realizing just what their words mean.

I’ve spend a lot of my younger years trying to contain so much anger, even rage that’s developed from many years of hard life and abuse growing up. Hate used to live in my vocabulary, I used to write “fuck the world” in my diaries, I hated my own reflection because it reminded me of all the pain I’ve carried.

I hated authority, dress codes, cheerful people, paperwork, the system, mindless jobs, alarm clocks, holidays, fake smiles, suits and anything that made me think of the word “normal”. I was consumed with hate, I hated my life and everything in it.

I tried to escape it any way I could.

A lot of years of soul searching have passed by and I thank the Universe for still being alive, surviving all the shit I’ve been through, for being the person I am today and I am most grateful that hate doesn’t live in my heart or my speech anymore.

So, maybe it will offer you a little bit of a different perspective. Maybe one day you’ll say it out of habit and catch yourself doing it and really think whether you really hate summer or fish or whatever else you may express your dislike in.

You know, it feels so much more amazing when you start focusing on the things you love ♥ Read the rest of this entry

From ashamed to SHAMELESS!

So I’ve recently had a birthday, which sort of propelled me to take a long look at my life and where it’s going.

Usually people take stock of their lives around the end of the year, making new year’s resolutions and plans, to me it makes a lot more sense to do that around your birthday, a date signifying not only your physical manifestation here on earth, but your own personal evolution.

2014 has been a year of revelations for me.  Like with the change of season when all the leaves fall, leaving the trees bare and vulnerable, all the lies fell off surrounding my relationships. The veil has lifted and the light has shined illuminating the truth, the way it is.

It made a lot more sense to own up to the truth, rather than holding on to false pretenses. I could no longer go along with the lies, it was a burden that I was no longer willing to carry.

I thought about my life from the beginning, my childhood and life in Estonia, coming here to US without anyone really waiting or wanting us here, riddled with tragic sadness. I broke down for a moment, overwhelmed by the amount of mental tension and pain I have experienced, not at all balanced out by the goodness of life, I felt so many conflicting feelings.

I felt that my heart wouldn’t be able to withstand it all, as if unable to look straight at the bright sun, without closing your eyes just a little to ease the intensity, I didn’t think I could look straight at my life, with all the good, bad and the ugly. But I did! I did withstand! And I am still standing.

I decided to do more than weather the storm, I went straight through the eye of it, knocked down by winds, brought down to my knees, I screamed, I cried and I hurt, but I got up and I kept going. No longer the broken, sad little girl, but a strong light being that I truly am!

All my life, as long as I can remember I have experienced a deep sense of shame.

It started at the age of 6, when I was shamed by my grandmother about money, for wanting or rather asking for a new toy, who I am sure didn’t mean to imprint me with the sense of poverty, but I never asked for another toy again.

At the age of 7 or 8 I started experiencing physical abuse at the hands of my mother. Having gone on a field trip with my class to the pool, I was laughed at by a girl in class, having noticed my black and blue stripes of bruises across my back from where my mother hit me with a belt. I was forever labeled as someone who had a turbulent life at home and was beaten by her mother.

We lived in an old communal house, half ruined, without hot running water or a bath facility, I hardly ever invited anyone to visit. I hated that house and didn’t want anyone to know I lived there.

When we came to US I felt very inadequate, being a teenager at the age of 15 and having your whole world turned upside down and starting our lives from scratch we didn’t have much. I was ashamed of my clothes that my mother insisted on buying from family dollar.  My 1st job was at TJMaxx, where I worked as much as I could while going to school and finally able to buy clothes that suited me better.

A month after turning 18 I ran away from home and never went back.

A “friend” who went to school with me and lived in the same apartment complex often saw police cars at our apartments over the weekend, for domestic disputes or as she liked to tell the story over and over of my insane stepfather walking outside in his pajamas. I was deeply ashamed of my mother for putting us through hell with her horrible marriage to a maniac.

2 months after running away I met a man, the 1st man I ever dated, but he used my lack of status and immigration situation I was in against me and forced me into marriage. We were married 2 months after we met.  I found myself living in a trailer in the middle of corn fields wondering what the fuck I have gotten myself into.  After suffering abuse in this new found forced marriage I was found out by my mother and got involved in the court system. He had a lawyer and I didn’t, his lawyer has humiliated me in court, even though I was a victim. More shame…

I ran away again. On the way of running away, I was so emotionally distraught and had no one to come with me for support, so I got into an accident with a fire truck, felt like such a dumbass. More shame…now, I always pull over to the side of the road when I hear the sirens. Lesson learned.

By the time I was 21 I was burnt, broken and unloved. I wanted to die or kill myself gloriously with fancy drugs like X (ecstasy). I never thought I would live to see 30. I did whatever I could get my hands on.

So, I tried to make up the lost time by partying and looking for love in all the wrong places.

I moved in with a girl I worked with, 2 weeks later she picked up a boy from a bar who came home with her one night and never left. The boy who just got out of prison for serving 5 years for shooting someone.  My drunken escapades made it easy for her to shift fault onto me and it led to our untimely downfall.

I had to run away again!

This time I found a man roommate, he was a musician and said things no one else has ever said. He was different, he was cool. The warning signs were there from the start, but I didn’t pay attention. We were roommates, then we were lovers…then, one day he picked up a broken girl who was crying and rocking on the floor in agony, embraced her with his warmth and she fell in love, it felt like a meeting of soul mates. Although, he was older and for a long time I was ashamed to introduce him to my friends.

Many things happened, drunken escapades, fights, making up, growing, hurting, learning…

My car got repossessed, my credit was ruined, I worked but not making enough money to replace what I’ve lost. I’ve lived without a car or a bank account for 8 years.

Oh, more shame…

We moved to FL to escape and to heal. But trouble followed us there. One night after about 12 margaritas we were hanging out at his boss’s house while his wife was out of town, one thing led to another, it took one kick from my beloved and the guy was lying in a pool of blood. Police, courts, probation, shame…

We moved to Nashville for him to pursue music. So many years of trying, so many emotional ups and downs, so little fun, money or friends…more shame…

I had some things to be proud of though. I finally got myself a car, without anyone else’s help, I started rebuilding my credit history. But the thing that I am proud of the most was finding my true purpose – becoming an Artist! I felt like it was a divine intervention that brought me to work in an art museum. Before leaving FL I was asked by someone something that no one has ever asked me. What is it I wanted? What are my dreams? It has taken me back and I felt jolted! I had fought for so many years, struggling and trying to just keep my head above the water that I have forgotten how to dream! And then, the 1st assignment from a temp agency I got into was an art museum! It’s like I was put into this incubator, to grow, learn and evolve as I prepared to become who I was always meant to be – an artist.

But my private life was screaming SOS and eventually I moved out and got my own apartment! Yey! 1st time living on my own, being an independent woman I felt proud of my efforts.

I started dating. Maybe for not the right reasons, but rather a panic of being alone…after dating someone for 6 months I wasn’t able to tell the truth, I was ashamed of who I was…STATELESS! My immigration case was on ice and nothing was moving forward. After being denied going to college, I was crushed once again. Still keeping it a secret, too ashamed to share my pain with anyone.

I finally made myself seek help. I found it! I am getting help now and it’s moving forward!

After living alone for 3 years and being utterly lonely and not finding the right partner, I caved in and moved back in with my ex.

No one knew just how much pain I have experienced in the 2 years after I made that decision. A close friend knew some of what I revealed to her, even telling her the bits and pieces of my broken life has made me deeply ashamed.

I was ashamed for making this decision…I felt shame towards the people I worked with who knew my personal situation, my mother who never let me forget it, my sister, everyone who knew me.

The difference is my true friends never judged me and only supported me and implored me to love myself and create a peaceful life.

Where my mother poured salt on my wounds and basically rubbed that shit in my face. Never a dull moment with a “mommy dearest”. My sister was knee deep in her own shit, but I felt her judgment too.

Noting like receiving a letter from your own mother, telling you that you have nothing! No home, no husband, no children or family, way to make me feel like nothing mother, thanks. The abuse has gotten old, plus I was not a helpless little child anymore, I didn’t have to take that shit anymore. So I didn’t, and all the communications have ceased to exist. My birthday came around, tons of strangers and people I barely knew wished me happy birthday while I haven’t heard a word, text, card of a phone call from my own family.

So having thought about it, I decided to write it all down and once and for all banish this deep sense of shame I have felt all my life for variety of reasons and situations.

Couple of months before, I have started a new hobby – a YouTube channel. I know that everything is out on the internet and there is no such thing as privacy, but somehow I still felt compelled to disguise myself, while being overwhelmed by the need to tell my story. So, I started making videos in masks! Making up different outfits and created this new identity!

While casually browsing on YouTube, I came across this video of a girl named Shameless Maya telling her story, of letting go of shame and becoming shameless! What? How? What is that all about? I wanted to know MORE! So I started following her videos and seeing what she is all about.

She has decided to embark on a journey for 365 to shamelessly promote herself and seeing how her life changes as a result of that.

She said she saw a lot of talented artists and creative people not believing in themselves and therefore selling themselves short! While many others with a lot less talent thriving as a result of shamelessly promoting themselves. She was inspiring and relatable.

I was hooked!

So, as I sat and put down on paper why I felt this deep rooted sense of shame and where it came from I decided to follow in her footsteps!

My birthday signified the beginning of my year long project of turning my shame around and becoming SHAMELESS! After all, what do I have to lose?

We don’t choose our families, where we’re born or the decisions our parents make, I am done with carrying this huge baggage of shame with me!

This is the year of liberation! I am starting over new, new mindset, new attitude and new drive to make my dreams come true!

Thank you friends and thank you Shameless Maya for inspiring me to embark on this journey!

If you’re interested to see how it develops, please SUBSCRIBE to my YouTube channel : https://www.youtube.com/user/EnigmaSkye and follow my journey!

Welcome to my world!

CHILDREN OF TOXIC PARENTS, YOUR LIFE MATTERS, YOU MATTER

Psychic Vampires (How to Recognize and Protect Yourself From an Energy Vampire) – Teal Swan

Great and enlightening video!

People who try to provoke you

Sometimes it is so painfully obvious that someone is trying to provoke you to have a fight. It’s very sad, I am usually sad for the person because that is the only way they know how to communicate. They’re missing out on such a huge and wonderful part that could be in their life, by not learning to be positive or to offer something to others.

Communication is nothing more than an exchange of energy. How do you feel when a certain person reaches out to you? Do you automatically get tense and prepare for something unpleasant? Or does your heart beat a little bit faster as soon as you see their name in your new e-mails?

It is a very strong indicator of what that person brings with themselves. Why do you ask I would even want to associate with the person who only invokes negative feelings and emotions in me 99% of the time? Well, if it’s a friend, we usually don’t stay friends for long….but what if it is your relative? And not just some distant relative that you can easily blow off since you practically never see them. But let’s think about the scenario where you only have 2 other living relatives in the whole world and one of them is what I described above. What do you do?

Because I find myself often grasping at the straws, grasping to stay in touch, to hear some news, to stay in their life, even if just a little. And with that lack of family foundation and support system, you hold on to any communication you can, even if the quality isn’t there.

But is it worth it? Is it worth it to you? Let me rephrase it, does it benefit you on any level? If after searching within, you cannot possibly produce an answer that would resemble yes on any level….you have answered your own questions, it’s not worth it.

One of the hardest things for me personally has been ignoring that person. When everything in you just wants to shake them up and implore them to be a better human being! But you cannot force anyone to be better.

So instead of getting down on their level of pettiness, and responding to cruel jabs that are screaming of them wanting to get a rise out of you, explaining anything or defending yourself – just let it be.

Just like the famous song – Let it be! Let it go, let go and let God. You cannot respond to passive aggressive remarks, you cannot justify that nonsense with ANY response whatsoever because you cannot win. If they have started out charged with negativity, unkindness and anger, not only can you not turn it around, but it is not your job.

Knowing myself, when someone ignores me, there is nothing worse, nothing is more insulting, unsettling or unresolved, it’s like you have decided to purge your energy through the negative interaction but that person for some strange reason is not letting you purge your verbal diarrhea on them. How dare they!

Do yourself a favor, do some mental protective exercises, because you’re under mental/emotional attack and you have to do whatever it takes to protect your life, your peace of mind and your world from those negative influences. So, cherish your harmony, do not give away your power by letting someone else destroy it with their stupidity, poor self control and lack of character! Keep your world beautiful and don’t ever forget to smile, even if you’re smiling to yourself 🙂

Love and Light,

Alina

The only thing you ever have is you

No one really has anyone…the only thing you ever have in this world is yourself.

It is not an idea that one can be comfortable with or even remotely ok with…yet it’s true. Each one of us came into this world alone and each one of us dies alone.
It is an experience that can only be lived solo. If you’re lucky enough, you may have some people by your side, maybe even leave children and grandchildren, yet you still have to go through the experience all by yourself. I think we all know that, yet somehow that seems to be one of our biggest fears.

The other day I was talking to a friend and she told me that she decided that she wanted to have children, before for many years she didn’t think she would ever want to. When I asked her what made her change her mind, she didn’t say that she felt that she was ready to be the great person who wanted to bring another soul into this world, she said it was because someone in her family has died, and she took comfort in the thought that at least the other surviving spouse had children to comfort her in the time of grief, as support system as she called it.
She imagined that her fate would be similar, due to the fact that her husband is 16 years older than her and more than likely to go first.
That reminded me about that and really made me think and ask myself how do I feel about all that.

Having lived in a limbo hell for 20 years being stateless in this country, unable to move forward or go back, I haven’t acquired much. Not being able to attend college due to being stateless, hasn’t earned me a degree that I could develop into a fruitful, satisfying career, so I do my best working my 9-5, pretending that it’s ok, cringing every day at being robbed at the chance to fulfilling my true potential, stealing moments in the day to dream of a different life.

Having come from broken home hasn’t instilled a sense of self-worth in me, having been beaten and squashed growing up has made me flee, abandoning my home forever…with it any self value or self-love to know that I deserve something good in life, that I deserve not to settle.
So I settled…not to be alone anymore. Not to rock myself to sleep with a tears soaked pillow. I settled for a man who happened to be the 1st person to ever love me or make me feel not all alone in this world. He is a good man, one with many conflicting personalities and traits, the sweetest person I have ever known, yet twisted up with anger without moment’s notice. A broken man, just like me, a lost soul.
So, I have stopped thinking about me, I have made him my focal point of focus, I forgot to dream my own dreams, because I made his dreams my own. His love for music, the immense talent within, waiting to emerge for others to be known…while living in near poverty year after year, while my life passes me by, like a merry-go-round, everything flashes and nothing is in focus. Just a blur passing me by…Oh, how I’ve dreamed of flying! Of rising above it all, looking at it from a bird’s eye view.

13 years have marked a day in August of our union…not a promised one, no rings or wows exchanged, just words, that ring of echo, shifting together, words disappearing into sounds, no longer holding shape or ideas. 3 years I was gone. Left to live alone with a cat. Scared shitless, yet FREE! I jumped off the cliffs at the lake to mark my independence, it was as liberating as meeting new people. Only jump was better, pure adrenaline, I jumped without thinking or hesitating, nothing afterwards spoiled it for me, not even the pain. It was forever what it was – a liberating leap of faith.
People are never like that, something always managed to creep up and spoil it all. I haven’t met my half, I kept meeting them because they asked me for my time and were willing to pay attention to me, wanting me…I didn’t like anyone, no one reminded me of home and no one was remotely like me. It felt pointless…………

So I went back…to the only person who made it feel like home or gave me a remote idea of what family would feel like. He loved me still, I loved him still…not on paper, but in heart. Despite the hate that simmered just beneath…hate is not the right word, more like sadness, like a blood trail from a wound, a blood called resentment. Resentment of not being able to save me, a broken stateless girl, with no promised tomorrows. I asked time and time again, if he loved me, why didn’t he help to bring me any closer to any of my dreams? Why didn’t he fight for me to overcome my statelessness, why didn’t he ask me what my dreams are so that we can work towards them together? For 13 years I’ve lived on nothing but promises and was being asked to sacrifice myself, to wait for him, while dying a little inside year after year, wilting like an flower…until my youth seemed to be fleeting from me…my hope of ever having a real family or becoming a mom taken away from me…almost altogether…yet, there is still a lingering possibility, faint as if viewed through a thick fog.

I was asked to live in a waiting room ALL MY LIFE! I keep waiting for a man to earn his living, so that some day we can have a real home, not an old 1 bedroom apartment with no central heat, keep waiting to go to the beach on a real vacation, keep waiting to get married, while looking hungrily with envious eyes at the beautiful brides in the magazines, keep waiting on even allowing myself to think of children. I keep waiting on a system to grant me a green card so that I may call some place home, a place I have been living in and paying taxes for 20 years.
I keep living in a waiting room….for what??? For something that may never come? For something that may never happen? How can I continue to live like this?
I am not even allowed to talk about any of it. Not with him…because as soon as I do the World War III erupts with violent smashing of something, this morning was a coffee mug, shattered into gazillion pieces, with the shards, my heart shattered as well.
What can I do? Who can I turn to? I have nothing…………………………..only me.

How to raise your vibration

How to raise your vibration

Raising Vibration

Talks about why we should raise our vibration and why we should do it.

25 Signs You’re Succeeding At Life (Even If It Doesn’t Feel Like It)

By: Shannon Kaiser

 

We’ve all had days, weeks, months and — for some — even years of dark days and depression. Whether we fall into ruts of self-sabotage, loneliness or insecurity, leading a happy, joyful life can sometimes feel like a chore.

I often tell my students and coaching clients they’re doing so much better than they give themselves credit for.

Most of us are so busy trying to dodge life bullets, we forget to stop and appreciate the little victories.

Consider for a moment that you’re doing a tremendous job at life. Living isn’t an easy thing to do, but it can be enjoyable when we start to see the good instead of focusing on the bad.

 

You are actually living a good life by recognizing these 25 signs:

 

1. Your relationships are less dramatic than they use to be.

2. You may not have as much money as you want but you live a rich life.

3. You’re not afraid to ask for help and support.

4. Where you live feels like home.

5. You’ve raised your standards.

6. You let go of things that don’t make you feel good.

7. You have moments where you appreciate who you see in the mirror.

8. You’re working on limiting your inner critic and consciously choosing more positive thoughts.

9. You’ve learned that setbacks and failure are part of self-growth.

10. You have a support system that includes people who would do anything for you.

11. You hear “I love you” often, from friends, family or a partner.

12. You’ve accepted what you can’t change, but change what you can’t accept.

13. You don’t complain much, but instead focus on solutions.

14. You don’t blame your parents, and accept them for who they are.

15. You stopped caring about what others think of you.

16. You’re happy for your exes when they move on.

17. You can celebrate others’ successes.

18. You allow yourself to feel your feelings and are comfortable sharing them.

19. You have passions that you pursue.

20. You’re able to accept compliments without deflecting.

21. You have things to look forward to.

22. You have goals that have come true.

23. You have empathy for others.

24. You feel connected to your work.

25. You love deeply and open yourself up to be loved by others.

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Conscious Uncoupling

When I first heard this expression it was blown up all over the media and probably because of that sheer fact alone, I laughed it off as another Hollywood bullshit trends. But, because it was something new that I heard I naturally wanted to learn more.

As I started reading more about it and researching, I was pleasantly surprised of how much it all made sense! I am not going to rehash in my own words what has already been very well put, but rather will post the whole article. I really resonate with this idea as it is looking at this experience from a spiritual stand point.

When going through separation it is hard to see the reason or the light. Such intense and strong emotions have a tendency to overtake us, as a typhoon wave, unable to remain in control we do our best not to drawn. While I think it is healthy to allow yourself time to grieve, even in that state, we should start exploring any ways that could help us heal and return us to a peaceful place of balance and harmony within. 

I think understanding this and looking at it from a different perspective that you are used to, may not only offer some insights, but help us to move to that path sooner. Read the rest of this entry