Posted by alinaskye
As the Monday drags on through the fog of twisted reality I cannot seem to find my ground…or peace. I feel trapped in the fragments of reality and something that seems surreal, as if in a dream, where I cannot define shapes only shadows.
I feel pressure of being restricted, I am mentally gasping for air, unable to take a deep breath. My mind is racing as I fight the feelings of hopelessness and desperation. Not again! Go away! Leave me the fuck alone!!! Be calm, don’t lose it. Everything is ok, forcing myself physically to take deep breaths I feel dizzy, but it’s working, it’s distracting me from myself.
What to do…what to do…I am forcing myself to feel the artificial feelings I am “allowed” to feel in particular circumstance, as if reading it from a list. It is so much more convenient for everyone when I am not dying inside. But even if I am…even when I feel like I cannot go on, answering phones, pretending to be ok, happy to answer the same stupid questions day after day for 6 years, hearing my voice going through the motions as if automated conveyer, who cares? Everybody just wants me to be ok. But what can you do with a broken down machine? It makes others feeling uncomfortable knowing that “the machine” is one stop away from breaking down completely. Shattering into million brilliant fucking pieces.
Fuck you! Fuck you world! Why are you laughing at me??? The cruelty of your joke has worn off…pick a new victim, you fucker!
Is this really that bad? It’s not bad, just stagnant. Like water that doesn’t have movement, it is standing still until it’s stale and dead. No, it’s not bad, I am able to have a job and pay taxes. But that is all that I am able to do.
I feel like I have a potential in me to do so much more… I just haven’t had any opportunities thus far…more than performing the same, mindless duties day after day, without a spark of creativity, interest or soul.
How should I feel? Lucky to be alive? Lucky that I have a job at all? Lucky that I am able to do anything at all, when I have lived in US for 20 years now in a fucking limbo! Without a promise of a light at the end of the tunnel!
I consider myself creative, vibrant, smart, life loving person who has gotten a shit of a deal from life. To be 35 and 22 out of those years being stateless. Unable to realize my dreams or potential. Unable to go to college so that I can realize my long dream of being an artist and a photographer…When will this end? Will I have any desire or passion left for life after this is all over with? Will I still have a will to live left in me?
I am not entirely sure…I hope and pray that I don’t lose myself before I have an opportunity to find myself at long last.
I just know that I am exhausted at fighting and suffering with my secret in silence. I feel like I am standing at the edge, looking down, considering what would happen if I jumped.
But that is not the way. Not for me. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I made it from physical and emotional abuse as a child, survived 2 stepfathers and an insane ex-husband. I have looked out for my sister since I was just 11. Trying to help my mother best I could.
Bought my 1st pair of sneakers at the age of 14, by picking berries with my grandmother and selling them standing in front of the grocery store. We have survived a starvation and a great depression in Estonia after Soviet Union fell apart.
I have run away from home many times…last time when I was 18 turned into my last. I never went back home. I made a new home for myself, where I would be safe.
I have worked since I was 16, lived on my own, left my home to go and live in another state without knowing anyone twice. I have fucking immigrated from Estonia and have lived stateless for 22 years. 2 years in Estonia and 20 years here. I feel like a little crumb that fell through the cracks of society. I have felt lost and displaced for many, many years…and still do.
I have survived an alcohol and drugs addictions, have tried to commit suicide 3 times in my life, 1st time when I was just 9 years old and somehow have been given 3 more chances at life.
For better or worse I am still here.
Universe, grant me the strength and perseverance not to lose it. Grant me the strength to make my dreams come true! I want to live! I truly want to live, not just survive!
God, I want to scream at the top of my lungs but not from pain anymore. But from an intense, overwhelming desire to live and have experiences I have always dreamed of.
I want to wake up in the morning, even if it’s so early that it’s still dark, excited to start a new day. Hungry for life! And everything is has to offer. I want to learn! Learn from other photographers, I want to be on the shoots in the locations out in nature, mountains, oceans, desserts, creating images that make you think of something higher, because how else something so beautiful and perfect could have been created.
I want to do something that matters. Matters to me. I have always meant to create beautiful things. Whether it’s art, photography or other outlets of creative expression. I just want to be a bridge between reality and all that is good and beautiful in the world.
I can work harder than anyone I know! When I am doing what I was meant to do! When I feel like I am finally alive!
I feel a little better having written this…I no longer feel the way I feel so often in my dreams, where I am standing terrified of something, wanting to scream, but instead I am completely paralyzed, unable to utter even the slightest sound.
It’s better to cry, it’s better to hear your soul cry out, rather than feeling nothing but numbness and darkness…
I am ALIVE!